Affair over with Mr. Latte

Monday, December 7 ‘09

Mrs. Bennet’s affair with Mr. Latte was officially over. Having moved in permanently – thanks to her 40th birthday money – his position in the corner of the breakfast bar was no longer an exciting place to be. Mr. Latte had been sulking over the past few weeks as Mrs. Bennet hadn’t fancied him. Having been struck by a virus, Mrs. Bennet’s desire for her familiar hot steamy friend had wavered in favour of Mr. Black or hot water (nicknamed Mr. Peely Wally). And in obvious protest, Mr. Latte went off in a froth, blew a fuse and left the house in darkness. Having turned the house upside down in vain to find his guarantee or receipt, Mrs. Bennet realised that moving her treasured coffee companion into bite-sized Modern Pemberley hadn’t resulted in happily ever after. He wasn’t as faithful or reliable as she had hoped.
But Mr. Latte was not the only one letting her down. Both Mrs. Bennet’s Scooby Doo van and Mr. Bennet’s run-a-round vehicle were showing signs of weariness. The driver’s door lock in the latter was broken. Unless it was open, there was no way of getting in unless the driver climbed in through the passenger seat or fell on the mercy of anyone travelling inside to open the door from the inside. As for the Scooby Doo van, as well as having a leaking radiator and a dodgy gear stick, the mechanics in the doors were also suffering from automobile arthritis. So much so in trying to get Spag and Bol, the little Miss Twin Bennets in one afternoon, the only back door of the car – a sliding one at the side – refused to open at all. This meant all five Miss Bennets squeezing into the vehicle by the only route available; mountaineering over Mrs. Bennet’s seat into their respective places, with the two older Miss Bennets pole vaulting yet again into position in the very back. She then had to follow suit to ensure the younger ones were all strapped in correctly.
Life was full of challenges and disappointments. Sometimes you could laugh at them, other times you could not. Mrs. Bennet knew there was no spare cash to repair or replace anything. The house still didn’t have toilet rails, loo roll holders, blinds, curtains and lampshades. These things were on Mrs. Bennet’s wish list, along with her eternity ring, which had lost a stone months ago. She had lost a stone due to viruses and stress and needed that back too. She couldn’t buy that either.
That night as she peered in on her sleeping children, looking peaceful and untroubled, Mrs. Bennet knew they were her most precious gifts in the house. There was always enough love to go around. Faulty doors and a defunct Mr. Latte machine which looked good on the side yet was completely useless were just part of the hiccups of everyday living. Her affair with the hot froth was now over. She warmly accepted a big hug from Mr. Bennet, who promptly handed her a glass of chilled Rose instead.

Toasted Breast Sandwiches

Friday, November 19 ‘09

Mrs. Bennet couldn’t look at a sandwich toaster in the same way again. As much as she loved a cheese, onion and mayo toastie, she couldn’t quite bring herself to make one. It was too similar to the breast sandwich she’d just experienced at the local screening hospital. Six weeks ago she had had two small assets, which at least moved slightly. Now having suffering a weight-loss battering due to stomach bugs and the stress of her father’s emergency dash to hospital, what remnants she had now could quite easily fall into the category of “gnat bites at the end of an ironing board” – a phrase so eloquently used by one midwife in her explanation that any lady, big or small-chested, was capable of breast feeding her baby or babies. Incidentally a well-endowed mother’s acquisitions were referred to as “trombones.” The gnat bites belonging to Mrs. Bennet certainly weren’t happy today. They were squashed into the mammogram’s jaw, and then tightened with what felt like a screw.
“You wouldn’t believe I fed twins would you?” she nervously joked to the lady who was in control of this chest chewing machine. As unsightly and uncomfortable as she felt, Mrs. Bennet was still grateful to have her breasts toasted. Having appreciated the diligent efforts of the surgeons and breast cancer team to save the life of her own dear mum, Jannie – and her cousin - she could only applaud the services provided. With five little females of her own, it was the responsible thing to do, even if it did mean losing what dignity she had left. It would be 10 years before she officially got the official annual mammogram invite. It certainly gave her a greater understanding of the vulnerability, embarrassment and discomfort of being squashed and squeezed that so many cancer patients felt. In some units, the machine apparently bore an encouraging sticker: “squeezed in love.”
Feeling suitably bruised, Mrs. Bennet put her shocked assets away and took them home. The cheese toaster shone in the light as she walked into the kitchen. Sometimes she treated herself to a crunchy toastie. Today though, she couldn’t face it. Mr. Bennet might fancy a toasted naked breast and mayo, but it definitely wasn’t being offered on this lunch-time’s menu.

Spag and Bol – the tonic

Wednesday, November 11 ‘09

Now the dolls-on-the-roof had completed their ball-point pen removal therapy, they were back in full working order – being dragged along feet-first and lovingly manhandled by Spag and Bol. Under the lounge spotlights, the baby plastic now looked decidedly blotchy and Mrs. Bennet realised she had slightly overcooked the poor things. But the little Miss Twin Bennets didn’t seem to mind. They shoved Cheerios into the dolls’ mouths regardless and then wondered why they couldn’t get them back out.
Mrs. Bennet was so grateful to Spag and Bol right now. They were proving a real tonic. Their in-built rechargeable batteries never ran out enabling them to clip-clop in clumsy yet beautifully-comical style around the downstairs circle-route in bite-size Modern Pemberley wearing dressing-up high heeled shoes which didn’t match. They had no worries; only giggles and smiles. Mrs. Bennet wondered what age worry set in. How she would love a bottle of care-free childlike innocence at times. All was well in Spag and Bol’s world even if it wasn’t quite as it should be in Mrs. Bennet’s. With Christmas looming, Mrs. Bennet had no desire to buy any presents. Getting to Christmas dinner with every family member in one piece would be the best gift of all. Right now her dad was in hospital, having been rushed in passing out with acute stomach pains. Jannie had bravely fought breast cancer, but was still suffering the aftermaths and had seen enough medics to last a life-time. It certainly hadn’t been the best of years. And yet, despite seeing her dad, happy on morphine, eyes tinged yellow with his unshaven chin dappled with white specs as if he’d been caught dipping it into a packet of icing sugar, Mrs. Bennet felt grateful. Jannie had made it and so too would her dad – with the help of gall-bladder removal and a low-fat diet.
“Donuts don’t have any fat in do they?” he half-hoped, half-joked. It wasn’t good news for a sweet-tooth.
“They’re giving me a list of what I can have,” he informed his wife, still heart-broken that he hadn’t been given any ice-cream or milk for his breakfast cornflakes by the nurses.
“Good, because if they tell you, you might listen,” replied Jannie.
“Have you told them about your allergies?”
“Yes, but they only put down - beer. I think it was the only one they remembered but it made the consultant laugh,” the patient said smiling.
If there was one thing which held her family together it was humour. Watching her parent’s playful banter despite the situation they were in, gave her hope. A man wretched noisily into one of those funny cardboard bedpans in the corner bed; another snorted loudly in his sleep while one poor chap was stuck in the toilet waiting to be wheeled back to his bed. Visitors had sat around talking to an invisible man for 20 minutes wandering where he had gone. It was like watching a scene from Only When I Laugh, a classic early 1980’s comedy series set in the ward of an NHS hospital with an odd trio of male patients. Humour was everywhere if you chose to see it. And Mrs. Bennet had it on tap. She only had to spend a few minutes observing her youngest two daughters to get a free dose.

Mummies never get sick

Friday, October 30 ‘09

There was a book on the playroom shelf called “Mummies never get sick.” It lied because sometimes they did. They just couldn’t take a day off from work to be so. In her nine and a half years as a mother, she had only been bedridden once with flu, up until now. A stomach virus hit her big time, forcing her to crawl on to the sofa in between sudden dashes to the bathroom, which thanks to the completion of Modern Pemberley was now on ground floor level. It lasted 10 days, leaving her with vertigo and very dodgy on her feet. She somehow managed to run a party for eight-year-old Miss Bennet Number Two and her 25 chums thanks to the sterling efforts of Mr. Bennet and his amazing ability to gather the girls in an orderly fashion and get them spitting cola bottles, rolling conkers and eating hula hoops off string. He would make a great party entertainer. Fifteen years ago she fell in love with him while he was riding a unicycle in the midst of a circle of kids in his capacity as a youth leader in charge of a holiday club. It was days like this, when the stuffing had been knocked out of her, she really appreciated her own Mr. Darcy. Not that she had any energy to exert any passion, but it did remind her why she had married him. As the bug co-incided with the entire length of half-term holiday, it meant the little Miss Bennets were home and therefore Modern Pemberley was not quiet. Not that ever was, apart from the two-hour silence Mrs. Bennet enjoyed when Spag and Bol were asleep. Her elder three children had given up their afternoon nap soon after hitting two. At almost two-and-a-half Spag and Bol had no idea their mother wasn’t letting them give up theirs. Happy to lie down in parallel cots, the little Miss Twin Bennets were chatty bedfellows and enjoyed their lunchtime natter before drifting off.
Somehow in between flopping, Mrs. Bennet managed to sit and do beadwork, collage, cakes, play dough, jewellery, painting and maths practise with chocolate buttons. The children didn’t complain. As long as they got out of the house at least once a day, they were happy. And again somehow Mrs. Bennet did, so long as she was back on the sofa within the hour. It had become her new friend. Mr. Latte – who had moved in ever since Mrs. Bennet had bought a life-line sophisticated coffee machine with her 40th birthday money – had to sit quietly forgotten in the corner. She had no desire for him, or anything other than a mug of hot water, nicknamed Mr. Peely Wally in the Modern Mrs. Bennet dictionary.
But she did feel well-off. Ironically it was an enriching experience to be ill. Mrs. Bennet had realised what she had and it was good. She may not always have enough money to pay for their clubs and shoes, but where coffers lacked, the blessings around her more than compensated. Watching Spag and Bol chasing each other from lounge to kitchen to playroom to lounge dressed in fairy dresses and winter hats which were far too big from them, giggling profusely as they did, cheered her no end. Sometimes Mummies did get sick. But they were never lonely.

Up on a roof

Saturday, October 10 '09

"It's sunny, so please put dolls out," read the text. Mrs. Bennet was currently marching the three oldest Miss Bennets down the hill towards the cinema, leaving Mr. Bennet with the mischievous Spag and Bol and a half-constructed IKEA wardrobe to build. She had temporarily lifted the DIY curfew as Jannie, Mrs. Bennet's lovely mum had arranged for the King of Bodge, Mr. Jannie to be at hand to help. Whether it was safe to leave her husband and her Father banging away with two little girls free to roam at will, was a risk Mrs. Bennet decided to take. At least with the sun in full beam, there was a chance that the acne-creamed baby dolls could get their much-needed face lifts. Mr. Bennet was sceptical. He didn't believe such drastic treatment would work. Mrs. Bennet was more optimistic. She returned at lunch-time to find the two plastic victims sunbathing on the shed roof. Thankfully the older Miss Bennets didn't notice until later that afternoon. By then the sun had done wonders to the doll's grafitti skin and she was able to explain why they were where they were and that their parents hadn't gone completely mad.
Mrs. Bennet was impressed. One of the dolls, although now having slightly darker skin pigment in places, was essentially Biro-free. Her companion still wore some of her wounds and needed to revisit the plastic surgeon in the morning and be turned over to catch the sunlight, if there was any. But at least Spag and Bol had been given a reprieve. Their older siblings weren't cross with them or their mother for letting them loose in the first place. Acne cream mixed with sunlight had done the trick, certainly for one doll, who was returned to her owner. The other returned to the hospital shed for a rest, ready for a further installment. Mrs. Bennet did now worry for her own daughters should they ever need acne cream. She certainly wouldn't be putting them on a shed roof for a sun-bathing session. If the cream reacted with the sun's rays in this way and did Biro-removing wonders for plastic skin, what would it do to real skin? Having said that, Mrs. Bennet thought it could be a good way of removing age spots. She quite fancied a five hour kip in the sun - although perferably not high up on a shed roof!

Walkie Talkie can take a walkie

Sunday, October 4 '09

The whole idea of having a shed, studio, retreat, office or space was so that the owner could escape into a child-free zone without being disturbed for however long she needed. Mrs. Bennet had obviously not made this very clear to those who shared bite-sized modern Pemberley with her. For her 40th birthday, the little Miss Bennets had, thanks to Mr. Bennet, given her a walkie talkie so they could communicate with her when she disappeared down the garden.
"We thought it would be fun to chat to you Mummy," they informed her. Eyebrows raised, she looked quizzically at her husband.
"It was so I call you back after midnight," he explained.
"But had it not occured to you that I might not want to come back?" she replied.
The Miss Bennets ushered her into her den so they could test the efficiency of their present. Mrs. Bennet had vaguely remembered seeing the said object on Miss Bennet Number Two's birthday wish list. No doubt she had had something to do with it.
Dutifully Mrs. Bennet took her talkie walkie - which she preferred to call it - to her shed. She couldn't help thinking that a better present would have been an obedient microchip which could be installed into each child (and possibly husband.) The remote control of course would for once be firmly in the hands of Mrs. Bennet.

But it’s not working

Friday, October 2 ‘09

There were certain theories which clearly were not working in the Bennet household. The “getting out the door” theory did not exist as far as Mrs. Bennet was concerned. She had tried everything in her parental power to get her offspring out of the house, into the car, back out of the car and through the school gates before the bell went. But no matter how hard she tried, there was always something – a child, a paddy (or a “ponk” as Mr. and Mrs. Bennet called it), a recycle van, a lack of parking space or a completely exhausted mother – which stopped them achieving their goal. This morning it was Spag (alias Miss Rosie Bennet) who would not co-operate. She point blankly refused to put on her shoes or coat, and instead lay prostrate on the floor and wouldn’t budge. It hadn’t helped that the older Miss Bennets had decided to play hide and seek instead of cleaning their teeth. It was only when she moved the computer chair Mrs. Bennet discovered Miss Bennet Number Two – so good was she at hiding. Instead of using spoons to eat their cereal, they had armed themselves with felt tip pens and got lost in a world of imaginative drawing. There was just no sense of urgency or the comprehension that “I must go to school.”
Mrs. Bennet had had enough. Doing live reports on radio or television was a doddle compared to getting five children out of the house. Her stress levels soared far higher. Whatever it took she would not get worked up by this charade any more. If the children weren’t ready by the time the Scooby Doo van had to leave, then they would have to come in whatever state of dress they were in. Having to go to school in pyjamas would soon teach them a lesson.
The other theory which had failed her so far was the acne cream removing Biro one. Right now the defaced baby dolls were plastered in the white stuff, so-say sun-bathing so that the sun’s rays could work with the chemicals in the cream. Only the sun had disappeared two hours ago. Spag and Bol's etchings hadn't. The dolls, looking rather pathetic and sad, were lying on the trampette. One or two of the neighbour’s cats had sauntered by to see what was going on, and realising that one of their favoured spots had been taken, walked off haughtily. It wasn’t every day you saw two miniature people undergoing cosmetic surgery in broad daylight. And it was broad daylight, or to be more accurate direct sunlight that was needed for this procedure to work. Mrs. Bennet feared she would now have to wait a year. She peered curiously at the creamed dolls. Had the marks faded slightly or was that wishful thinking? They were certainly visible and very striking on one side.
She wiped off the cream and popped the dolls back into the hospital shed.
As it was Friday, there was not a chance of trying the procedure again until next week. A whole weekend then of hoping the question: “where’s my Baby Annabell Mummy?” didn’t pop up. Mrs. Bennet decided she might have to tell the owners that unfortunately their babies were currently in special care and couldn’t be held for a while.
Clouds threatened overhead. Mrs. Bennet needed a miracle. Well two actually. A dose of divine wisdom as to how to get to school on time and a cure for removing black marks from innocent plastic babies. Incidentally if the cream did work, she intended to put some on her wrinkles and sit out in the sun all day.

Mrs. Bennet buys acne cream for a doll!

Thursday, October 1 09

Children, Mrs. Bennet realised, took you to places you never ever expected to go. They also forced you to learn things you hadn’t realised you needed to learn. Such was the case for Mrs. Bennet who was doing her best to prevent the eldest Miss Bennets from venturing anywhere near the male shed. The female version was kept clean, orderly and used as a retreat and office for Mrs. Bennet alone. The male equivalent was quite simply a mess, but proved a useful place to hide anything. It was currently hiding two Baby Annabell dolls.
As Mrs. Bennet was endeavouring to polish up any art skills she had, so too were her offspring. One afternoon, while the older Miss Bennets were painting piggy banks, Spag and Bol, their younger siblings were happily applying their artistic marks to two plastic faces. Mrs. Bennet was changing in the room next door and could hear their happy giggles. Investigating to see just what was so funny, Mrs Bennet caught them in the act. Ball-point pens in hand, they had applied their permanent squiggles and marks on to the cheeks and foreheads of each doll. Hiding the plastic babies was one thing; trying to remove the tattoos was another. After Mrs. Bennet’s attempts to apply nail varnish remover hadn’t worked, somehow Mr. Bennet had smuggled the clothe-less babes down to his side of the shed and had failed miserably to remove the Spag and Bol imprints with mentholated spirits. If that didn’t work, what would? These dolls weren’t cheap, and the Miss Bennets who the dolls belonged to, were not going to be very happy. Not very happy at all.
Mrs. Bennet went to work that night and consulted Mr. Google for help. He was able to suggest various ideas: baking soda paste, vegetable oil, carpet cleaner, adhesive remover and even evaporated milk. According to fellow parents who had also suffered the same ball-point baby defacing problem, none of the fore-mentioned had proved to be the answer. But there was one product which apparently did and there was even photographic evidence to prove it. The solution? Acne cream containing 10% benzyl peroxide. Apply it to the doll and then stick her in sunlight for a few hours and hey presto all the marks disappear.
So here Mrs. Bennet was on her way to a chemist to buy acne cream. Not for a teenager, but for a doll. And if the pharmacist dared to ask her if she had used the cream before or had had any side effects, she knew she would probably not be able to contain herself. Her side effect was a fit of giggles.

Goodbye to DIY

Friday, September 25 '09

Mr. Bennet did not yet know it, but Mrs. Bennet had banned him from any future D.I.Y efforts which may be needed in future at their modern bite-size Pemberley. When a curtain rail fell down in Miss Bennet Number One’s bedroom, hitting the bed with such force it made Mrs. Bennet jump, she vowed that was enough. If Miss Naomi Bennet had been asleep at the time, she would now be suffering from a severe headache. Only a few days ago, Miss Bennet Number Three had experienced an avalanche of coats after tying to reach her fleece. The entire rail fell off the wall, smattering its contents on the five-year-old. Mrs. Bennet now seriously considered employing a Darcy in the Dirt on a permanent basis. Book shelves were also a taboo subject if it involved a hammer and nail. Whilst breastfeeding Miss Bennet Number One on the marital bed, some nine years ago, the shelf behind her collapsed, sending the Chronicles of the 20th century hurtling in the cow's direction. It narrowly missed both mother and child by inches.
A decade on, today was also significant. It marked the end of Mr. Bennet’s D.I.Y exploits, no matter how simple.

The Mummy’s in a bad mood syndrome

Wednesday, September 23 ‘09

“How would you feel Megan if I kept telling tales of you?” asked an indignant Miss Bennet Number Two.
“Sad,” replied a quietly spoken Miss Bennet Number Three, who after a long pause, added: “But then I feel sad because you hit me!”
Most people had an alarm clock. Mrs Bennet had squabbles as her new-day welcome. After the first ten minutes she just knew it wasn’t going to be an easy few hours. Her stomach was knotted, her head pounded and she did not want to face an hour of battling against wills, detangling hair and scraping squashed cornflakes and jammy toast off the floor or walls. She felt stressed. Mr Bennet had casually informed her last night that he was off to Singapore for five days. His announcement came at a moment when her resources were empty, her brain was scrambled and her body exhausted. She was in a season of change. Not THE change thankfully, but never-the-less, there were various things in her new decade calendar which took her out of her comfort zone farther than she had anticipated. She had embarked on leading her first parenting course, started a year’s art and design course on a Tuesday evening to see if there was anything creative left in her after 22 years and the twins had driven off with a childminder for the first time. Having interviewed some 85 artists over the past 18 months, Mrs Bennet had felt inspired and had decided to throw herself back into her art and this morning was the first of a 10 week pastel course. She thought it would be fun to play about with colour as her young children did so freely. But she was so uptight inside, all Mrs Bennet kept thinking was: “what am I doing here and why did I come?” By lunchtime she bitterly regretted plunging into anything new. The efforts needed to get to such a course, whether it was this one or the Tuesday evening, was such that she felt so frazzled by the time she arrived, it took her almost the entire class duration to unwind. Surrounded by those who clearly knew what a pastel was and had either been to art college, painted regularly or taught art, she wanted to leave before she had even made a mark on the page.
It didn’t help that she was feeling bad at shouting at the Miss Bennets and blew her top because one of them refused to look for a pair of white socks. They had absolutely no sense of urgency to get out of the house and quite frankly Mrs Bennet was fed up in shepherding them to the boarding gate. Like a kettle she boiled over, steam pouring from her nostrils and words flowing uncontrollably. She then suddenly stopped, fell to her knees, burst into tears and apologized profusely to the little Miss Bennets, who immediately threw their arms around her. She, now the child; they the adults.
This morning, the boarding gate was crammed with five lunchboxes, nappy bags, book bags, art bag, shoes, three swimming kits and a gym bag – in case she could run away afterwards. Despite this, due to the emotions bubbling within the Mummy, it was not the smoothest of exits. It was hardly surprising then that colour didn’t flow. Mrs Bennet wanted to wear black, scribble all over her pictures and run away. What parent was she to lead a parenting course? And why did she think she could be an artist? Mrs Bennet was clearly not having a good day.

The “But Mummy I have to have it now” syndrome

Monday, September 21 ‘09

Having felt a deep sense of achievement in watching the eldest Miss Bennet get dressed, fed, hair and teeth brushed without so much as a repeat request, Mrs Bennet felt somewhat relaxed as she encouraged her flock to round up ready for the morning exit. A check list on Miss Bennet Number One’s desk with a tick box next to each simple instruction including get up, get dressed, put on clean white socks and so on; seemed to do the trick. The pre-teen happily ticked her boxes.
All was going too smoothly. Miss Bennet Number Two was voluntarily popping up toast and taking orders from her siblings; twins Spag and Bol were chuckling over a private joke which involved a couple of plastic play people and Mrs Bennet was ahead with the pigtail ritual. At eight o’clock, she was two heads down, three to go. She was dressed, had every book bag, shoe and lunch box, lined up in military precision at the boarding gate. And so far, nothing had been removed from a wandering Spag or Bol.
Thirty five minutes later three little school girls suddenly remember they have to take something really important into class and it must be today. The morning army camp had no room in its schedule for forgotten items, so peace was soon quickly escaping out the front door, instead of the six bodies inside.
“Mummy, I need to have a photo of me as a baby. We’re looking at growth today. Can you get me one so I can take it in?” cried an innocent five-year-old, oblivious of her mother’s rising stress levels.
“And you haven’t got my Indian top and trousers from the dressing up bag Mummy, and I wanted to take it today,” remembered the elder Miss Bennet who was studying Indian culture and custom at school.
“Oh, and I need a piece of fruit to take so we can paint it in art this morning. It has to be unusual and I don’t want anything we have got here, they’re all too boring,” chipped in Miss Bennet number three.
“Great,” thought Mrs Bennet, frantically trying to remember where Megan’s baby photo was and had they got time to nip into a shop and buy a quirky fruit?
Baby photo sorted, the flock was allowed beyond the fence; the shepherd following, guiding them with her spoken rod. Thankfully as Miss Bennet Number One had followed her check list to the tee, there were five valuable minutes spare – just enough time for Mrs Bennet to pull up outside her favourite supermarket, rush in and buy two coconuts for a £1. As she hadn’t managed to retrieve the Indian outfit from the dust heap under Mr Bennet’s side of the bed, she handed Miss Bennet Number One the other coconut. She too was studying the compositions and different shapes within a still life, so Mrs Bennet’s bunch of coconuts was the hit of the morning.
Once the three older sheep were safely in green uniform pastures and Spag and Bol were securely strapped in the Scooby Doo van, Mrs Bennet slumped over the steering wheel relieved the morning scrum was over. She glanced in the driver’s mirror. Make-up was smeared like war paint all over her left cheek. She hadn’t had chance to do a bathroom check in the rush to leave the house. No one but no one in the playground had said anything about her ridiculous look. Or was it because she always looked like that first thing in the morning?

Getting Past Go - The Avalanche Effect

Thursday, September 17 ‘09

Having accepted that passing go was an impossible mission; out of sheer curiosity and for her own amusement Mrs Bennet decided to take note of the unforeseen daily factors against her. Of course there were six factors before anything else came into the equation: a harassed Mummy Bennet and five little Miss Bennets who all needed clothing, feeding, teeth and hair brushing, and finally shoeing - both on their feet and out the door. Having had a few years of school run experience, Mrs Bennet knew it made absolutely no difference as to what time she got up. If she was up at 6am, with all the shoes, coats, book bags, nappy bags and lunch boxes packed and lined up in orderly fashion in the taking off pad – the hallway – she would invariably still be late because at the 11th hour a distraught Miss Bennet insisted she had to have something really urgently and that it had to be found there and then or else her world would fall apart.
Today all was going well. Mrs Bennet had been given a “good girl” sticker for not raising her voice and all five Miss Bennets were in the boarding gate awaiting their flight. It was Mrs Bennet who had forgotten something – vital toiletries – and sped upstairs to find them. With the sheep dog now out of sight, the younger Miss Bennets began to wander and the middle one started to look for a coat.
Whizzing from upstairs, into the lounge and through the kitchen to pick up a bottle of water as she went, Mrs Bennet returned to the boarding gate to find three of her flock missing. One was pulling out all the blankets ready to set up a home, the other climbing on a chair ready to start colouring. A cry from the walk-in cupboard indicated the whereabouts of the other.
“Help Mummy, help!”
Following the shout, Mrs Bennet found her five-year-old hidden under an avalanche of coats. The entire coat rail had fallen off the wall and its contents had spewed onto the unsuspecting child. A bewildered face balancing skew-whiff spectacles on the nose looked up at her.
“I didn’t do anything Mummy. I only wanted my coat not everyone else’s!” she declared.
Wishing the Darcys in the Dirt were back on the scene and wishing Mr Bennet was good at DIY, Mrs Bennet set her child free and spent the next five minutes hunting out matching shoes from underneath the soft mountain.
Five minutes she didn’t have.
But it wasn’t just the clothes avalanche preventing her passing go. The recycle van drove into her close, just as she was trying to reverse off the drive. They had no time for mothers on a mission. They weren’t going to budge until every green box was emptied. And as Scooby Doo van had a rather large bottom and couldn’t squeeze through the six zero space available it had to sit motionless as the minutes slipped miserably by. Mrs Bennet had failed to pass go yet again through no fault of her own.

Getting past go

Monday, September 14 '09

Mrs Bennet realised she would never win the game of monopoly when it came to the school run. If she could get past go – the front door – without shouting, tripping over a piece of Lego or Barbie shoe, returning several times to retrieve a forgotten lunchbox, book bag or coat; she might, just might, earn her £200. Well ok, five minutes with soothing Mr Latte would do. But this morning – the 12th morning since the new school term had started – she realised that winning was impossible. Winning was an illusion. Instead she felt she was being sent to gaol for bad behaviour.
“I was a nice person before I had children. I never shouted and I thought I had patience,” she told the five little Bennets as they were finally strapped into the car and therefore couldn’t move. She was cross with them, but even crosser with herself. Quite frankly she was fed up with hearing the sound of her own voice.
“How many times have I asked you to get your socks on? Yes you do have to get up! No you can’t wear that to school! Will you please get off Kezia’s head Rosie, and where oh where is the brush?”
Set to music, the monotonous droning moans of Mrs Bennet’s firing orders at her unruly soldiers wouldn’t sound so bad. In fact a bit of Mars by Holtz in the background could prove quite atmospheric. But long were the days when the soft sounds of classical music serenaded her as she dressed – by herself. How had she turned into such a “shouty” individual? Somehow she had managed to throw any parenting skills she had kidded herself she had, down the plughole along with the congealed blobs of toothpaste which always seemed to get spat out and stuck to the sink. One morning she’d found the white goo on the floor, wall and glass panel of the shower unit and had to scrape it off with a knife.
“No time for toothpaste checks this morning,” mumbled Mrs Bennet, as she mentally went through her check list.
“Three book bags, check. Three lunch bags, check. One nappy bag with at least two nappies in, check. One handbag with phone to call for help, check. One Mummy, check. Five children, check. Five coats on children, check. Right shoes on right children, check. Six sets of teeth cleaned? No? Three out of six will have to do, check. Six heads brushed? Looks as if two have, fingers will have to do with rest, check. Can’t afford to stay in house any longer. We really are late now. Where are the keys? Not on hook where they should be. Last seen rattling in a tiny hand heading towards dolls house. After quick search, keys are found in bath with a toy goat. Brain? Not sure it can be found so easily. Most of it got eaten by three placentas followed by an oversized version due to twins. No hope then. Still it doesn’t excuse shouting behaviour. Must try and be more organised, not work so late at night and get up earlier, preferably BEFORE children.”
Check list complete, the children were strapped in the Scooby Doo van, leaving the house to sigh in beautiful peace. Mrs Bennet was tempted to stay there. But onwards to school she must, even if slightly late. She may not get her £200 this morning, but she could do with picking up a Chance card. It might take her to Mayfair. But Mrs Bennet knew school runs didn’t go there.

Spag and Bol’s t-towel and trolley war

Monday, September 7 ‘09

Sibling squabbles were frequent in the Bennet household despite the fact there were now more rooms to escape to. Mrs Bennet dived into the shoe cupboard now and then so she didn’t hear the “Mummy she hit me!” and “And she deliberately scribbled on my drawing!” Mrs Bennet realised the quarrelling was part of her life for the foreseeable future. The more children you have, the more likely at some part in the day, one combination or another will fall out, sit on each other, stick a tongue out or want the same toy/book at the same time.
Spag and Bol, the little Twin Bennets were having a tug of war with a t-towel. Sitting in their respective blue booster seats with matching brown beards due to a chocolate pudding indulgence, they both wanted to hold the rather faded, holey t-towel. Spag (alias Rosie), being somewhat bigger all round was winning as Bol (alias Kezia) was being lifted a few inches out of her chair, yet refusing to let go. The shouts were getting louder in the dining room. The giggles were getting louder in the adjoining, open plan kitchen. Mr and Mrs Bennet, amused by Miss Bennet Number Four and Five’s sudden fascination for a scraggly t-towel, were quite enjoying the spectacle; waiting in the wings to rescue the smaller twin who looked like she was about to fly across the room with a blue plastic seat attached to her bottom. She may have lost in strength, but she made up for it in cheek and charm. And the one nil down score only sought to give her extra determination to get even with her 20-minute-older sister.
The revenge came during a shopping episode. Mrs Bennet, having failed in her search for a double-seated trolley, decided to walk her toddlers in with the help of Jannie, her lovely mum. This was fine until Bol, with her extra vigilant eyes, spotted a mini trolley parked in the entrance ready for potential two-year-old shoppers. She ran to it, claimed it as her own, and grinned victoriously at Spag, who realising there wasn’t a trolley for her, threw her faithful battered and well-loved rabbit on the floor in disgust and herself down with it. Mrs Bennet wanted to leave them to it; pretend they didn’t belong to her and walk out. Only they did belong to her and the supermarket staff knew they did too. Bol had got her revenge. And despite pleas from both Mrs Bennet and Jannie; and screams from Spag, Bol refused to let go of the said trolley and pushed it round the aisles…and occasionally into people….with a vice grip.
Whilst Mrs Bennet understood her elder twin’s upset at the unfairness of life, she couldn’t magic another tiny trolley to appear and neither could the staff. Trying to reason with a two-year-old who was sobbing was like trying to find a minute precious ring stone in the midst of a batch of bread dough. As Mrs Bennet knew from bitter experience, you just had to wait until cooking time was over.
Half an hour later, another trolley was delivered to a now pacified twin who was sitting quietly, trying to get a straw into a bottle of water in the café area. Mrs Bennet was taking refuge in her forgotten friend Mr Latte, who on occasions such as this had become a firm companion for Jannie too. The war had ended. Peace between the twins was momentarily made. And side by side they pushed their matching trolleys up the wide aisles, chatting amicably to one another, creating smiles and not too much havoc as they went. Although Mrs Bennet was sure she didn’t put Cock-a-leekie or Oxtail soup on her shopping list! The twin tug-o-war score: one each to Spag and Bol. Mummy nil.

Bennets Abroad

August 12 '09

Friends thought she was mad to take five little girls to Spain, but Mrs Bennet thought it was just as mad to take them out anywhere in the summer holidays. It was quicker to fly to Valencia than it was to drive to Liverpool. And at least she had Mr Bennet's arms and legs to call on for extra support. And anyway it was a Bennet adventure. Mrs Bennet liked challenges. Even if they were at 35,000 feet calming down two two-year-olds who couldn't work out what had happened to their ears and why there were clouds below and alongside them when they were usually up in the air. Miss Naomi Bennet had just turned three last time she has ascended and Miss Emily a mere seventeen months. The whole flying experience through the eyes of five little Bennet girls made it all the more interesting. Miss Naomi impressed by her airport surroundings couldn't help but utter a "wow this is amazing!" Miss Emily, the time-keeper of rhe family exclaimed every few minutes, "are we going to miss our flight?!" Miss Megan, who didn't like having "hurty" ears, kept shouting out, "I've lost my voice and it's not coming back?" as she couldn't understand it was her hearing she'd lost. Mrs Bennet tried to get her to pop her ears by holding her nose and blowing hard or swallowing. Miss Megan knew about the potential ear problem from a Topsy and Tim book. But they had been given a sweet to suck by the air hostess. Miss Megan was quite upset she hadn't so Mrs Bennet tried to save the day by providing the glucose. It only served to upset her offspring more as Miss Megan swallowed it before descent. "Oh no, I've eaten it!" she announced panic-stricken, a state of mind which stayed with her until five hours later when the "pop" happened and her "voice" returned. The little Miss Twin Bennets just saw the airport as a new playground, somewhere to run and explore. Miss Rosie was understandably distraught however when her precious bunny was taken off her to be scanned and then her pushchair disappeared on a conveyor belt, in her eyes, never to be seen again! As for Mr Bennet? He enjoyed his single seat taking off but Mrs Bennet insisted he swapped for landing. Being the filling in a twin sandwich had its own taste of turbulence! He also wished he had booked a bigger hire car. A seven seater car with no boot space with seven bennets, two pushchairs, five lots of hand luggage and four suitcases to fit in, left him dripping with sweat and his wife praying for a miracle that somehow they'd achieve the impossible and get everything in. Somehow they did and somehow they managed to find their villa. Were they mad? Yes but it was worth it to have the adventure..... and a chilled bottle of beer sitting on a balcony overlooking a huge expanse of Mediterranean sea. Mr Bennet looked good after a day in Spanish sun, jumping waves and messing about with his little women. The cacophony of giggles after endless splashing in the pool was music to Mrs Bennet's ears. May be turning forty wasn't going to be too bad.

The Browning Banana Effect

Monday, July 27 2009

Two lonely bananas looked lost in the Bennet fruit bowl, which a few hours ago, had been brimming with ripe apples. One sitting at the dining table meant the bananas were now bereft of their crunchier pals. Five hungry mouths had chomped their way to the cores, now left for Mrs Bennet to clear away.
“That will be me and Mrs Bennet in a few years time,” thought Mrs Bennet as she took the banana-only fruit bowl into the kitchen to refill, this time with tiny oranges, the “easy peeler” kind.
The bananas didn’t look as fresh as they did on Friday. Their brown freckled patches were now more noticeable against the yellow skin. They didn’t seem so appealing and Mrs Bennet knew they’d end up as banana cake if not consumed within the next 24 hours.
“Where does time go?” she thought sadly. She didn’t want to be 40. It sounded so old. Well it had sounded really old when she was about 15. And it didn’t seem five minutes since she was at secondary school, mulling over which A level subjects to take.
Last night she had been looking at baby photos with Miss Naomi Bennet and laughing at the funny comments she had included in her first year book. None of the other Miss Bennets had such a book. Mrs Bennet had had time on her hands when Miss Naomi had arrived. Miss Emily had half a book, but Miss Megan, Miss Rosie and Miss Kezia didn’t stand a chance of getting a completed diary. Mrs Bennet felt guilty about it. She was so busy looking after them, feeling like the ball in a pin-ball machine, pinging from task to task, child to child, she often failed to take a photo of the occasion let alone get the opportunity to develop them or put them in an album. One day maybe? What hit her was how young she had looked. It certainly wasn’t the face she had seen in the mirror this morning. Like the banana, it had brown marks on it, slightly wrinkled and a little jaded. Her teeth were no longer as white – in fact one was missing – and she looked, well older. It hadn’t helped that most of the past ten years had been deprived of sleep or that her body had produced five children, was constantly on the go and no longer knew was rest meant. In fact if she was honest she really felt like a discarded banana peel. Since the little Miss Twin Bennets’ arrival, she’d spent countless hours in “tighten your asset” classes trying to get her “peel” to stick back together. If you looked closely you’d see it didn’t quite match. But thankfully only Mr Bennet got that close.
Right now Mrs Bennet didn’t want time to move. She wanted to freeze moments – the infectious giggle of Miss Kezia Bennet who ran away at the mention of “nappy change”; the innocent writing and simple loveable drawings Miss Megan Bennet constantly produced; the Tigger-like bounce in Miss Emily Bennet’s step, the wonderful smattering of freckles dusting Miss Naomi Bennet’s nose and the way Miss Rosie Bennet sucked her fingers and cuddled her bunny when she was tired. Mr Bennet who frequently delighted in reminding her that he was younger than herself, seemed to have worn better. Granted, he had less hair and perhaps more padding, but his smile was still as bright and he certainly didn’t have any stretch marks. He didn’t look so tired either.
Mrs Bennet hoped the next decade would bring more sleep, but somehow she knew more grey hairs, wrinkles and age spots would arrive. Like the uneaten banana, left in the fruit bowl after the younger crispier fruit had long gone, she hoped she would still be useful. But then there was always the chance she and Mr Bennet would make a good banana cake in their ripening years.

Peer Pressure versus Purse Pressure

Thursday, July 16 09

“Now I’m going to have to wear my school uniform. I don’t have anything to wear and my friends will laugh at me,” said an angry Miss Bennet Number One as she stormed off in the direction of her bedroom.
Mrs Bennet was a bad Mummy, a stingy Mummy and a Mummy who didn’t care. That was the current opinion of her eldest daughter. On occasion, Mrs Bennet felt outnumbered by her offspring. Today she was quite grateful that she had more than one daughter. There was at least 20 per cent chance that one of them would be having an “I love my Mummy” day.
Tomorrow was the last day of school before the long stretch of summer holidays – which like a remote landscape seemed to go on for miles and miles. It was non-uniform day so children had the privilege of paying to wear what they wanted. Only it seemed when they did reappear in their own gear, instead of the usual sea of green, it was now a sea of denim.
“All my friends are wearing a skirt in the morning. I don’t have one so can you go and buy the one I liked in Tesco please?” Miss Bennet Number One had asked.
The answer of course had been no. Although Mrs Bennet treated her children when she could, she was not going down this road. You buy a new skirt for one; you buy one for four more. And anyway there were two more Miss Bennets taking part in non-uniform day. It could prove a very expensive last day of term if she gave in.
That’s why she was considered Mean Mummy. Peer pressure versus purse pressure didn’t work. The pennies in the purse, or coppers to be more precise won. There weren’t enough to buy a waist band today let alone a full garment.
Miss Bennet Number One wasn’t open to reason. Instead she took herself to bed, snuggled under the covers and pretended to sleep. Eventually she returned downstairs in her chosen non-uniform attire – jeans and t-shirt. She didn’t wear a smile. But Mrs Bennet decided the only way of dealing with pre-teenage strops was ignoring it and changing tact. So instead of imitating the sulk, she tickled her eldest daughter until she could do nothing else but giggle. Dimples and denim went so much better together.

Not enough pressure

Saturday, June 27 ‘09

Mrs Bennet didn’t have enough stress in her life. The nurses at her local hospital decided she needed a career in the National Health Service. Her blood pressure was too low and obviously needed a boost.
“How do I get it to go up then?” Mrs Bennet asked the sister.
“We don’t get asked that very often. You need to work here, that’ll make it soar!” she replied.
Mrs Bennet was in Casualty, being checked over for a bruised rib cage. Every time she laughed, she winced. She had tripped over an object in the road in the small hours of the morning – as you do – and had fallen awkwardly on her chest. As the Bust Fairy hadn’t visited her for some time, she didn’t have much padding, and crushed what little assets she had. Obviously sore, she had decided to get herself checked out – despite the embarrassment. Mrs Bennet hadn’t been drinking. Instead, she had been on a very special ladies night out; night being the operative word. She, along with 1,700 other women had, that morning walked 10 miles through and round a nearby town, starting at the stroke of midnight in aid of the local hospice, Cotswold Care. Striding out, the impressive snake of white t-shirts, was anything but silent as it meandered its way through dimly lit streets and parkland. Mrs Bennet had clocked up hundreds of miles over the years in terms of running and not once had she tripped up and fallen over. But then she had never had cause to run at one or two o’clock in the morning. Why would she? Surely being in a comfy bed was much more sensible. The ladies thought so too as they passed a shop selling mattresses and luxury single and double beds, which teased them as they marched by. Mrs Bennet had thought the idea of having a ladies night out and some undisturbed adult time had been a good one at the time. This was before her own lovely mum had been diagnosed with the C word, so now the walk had even more significance. For once, she and her friends could speak in whole sentences, while their legs obediently worked hard. The night air was cool but not cold and unlike 10 o’clock that morning, there wasn’t a drop of rain in sight. However for Mrs Bennet there were other obstacles. She narrowly avoided getting winded by a bollard as it suddenly appeared in the centre of the pavement. Thankfully a friend pulled her away just in time. But at mile three, she failed to see an obstacle in the road, and completely lost her balance, tumbled and fell with a thud – her sternum taking the brunt of the fall. Shaken up, Mrs Bennet fought back the emotion, brushed herself down and kept going. Her chest tight and painful, she wished she had more padding, but vowed to keep on going. She wanted her medal, she wanted to finish and she looked forward to her coffee and croissant at the end.
Hence why she was here at the hospital at a more civilised time. It hurt to laugh and inhale. But apart from popping pain killers and getting some rest, there wasn’t a lot more she could do. As her life wasn’t stressful – according to her blood pressure measurements – rest was easy! Five children weren’t obviously enough for her. In jest, her mother-in-law suggested maybe six or seven might do it. But if that ever happened, it would be the NHS which would be in trouble. And so would Mrs Bennet. It would be Mr Bennet’s blood pressure which would rise for fear his wife had gone off with Mr Darcy.

High price for spending a penny

Monday, June 8 ‘09

Trying to spend a penny with two little people, or even five as was often the case, was no easy task. When nature called, it was a costly trip for Mrs Bennet. Negotiating a double buggy through the toilet door was one thing, trying to entertain two impatient children while she did her business, was another. And when all five little Miss Bennets were with her, it was almost impossible, especially when they decided they needed to go at different intervals and at the most inconvenient moment. A double dose of potty training was looming on the horizon and Mrs Bennet was approaching the prospect with fear and trepidation.
Toilet trips were therefore not expeditions to take lightly. And this one had a heavy price. Mrs Bennet was in her favourite supermarket, precariously balancing Spag and Bol on a grown-up café seat because they refused to swing their legs into a high chair. As the call of nature was pressing, and Jannie, having recently undergone surgery for breast cancer, couldn’t lift a toddler if required, Mrs Bennet opted for the best solution – hopping into the disabled toilet immediately next to her mother, so she could get back within minutes to resolve any lifting crisis.
“I’ll be quick, I promise,” she yelled. And quick she was. But the getting out process was by no means swift. Somehow in between locking herself in, and turning the lock to get out, the mechanism went limp and got stuck. Mrs Bennet couldn’t get out, and anyone outside, couldn’t get in. She was trapped.
“I suppose this is one way to get away from children,” she thought grimly. Confined in what must be a 200m square box, with a pungent nappy bin for company and not a window in sight, Mrs Bennet was steadily getting hotter as time elapsed. She knew there was no point in shouting, “Help!” as no one would hear her. Besides the door holding her captive, a heavy double door separated the toilet from the café.
She just hoped Spag and Bol were behaving themselves. They were at an age where sitting still was a foreign concept unless an apple or an orange – something which required effort and a long period of time to eat – was in their sticky paws. And Mrs Bennet knew they weren’t armed.
She noticed an emergency cord in the corner of her prison. It was the sort of thing Mr Bean would have pulled, simply because he wanted to know what happened if he did. It wasn’t the sort of thing a grown woman did just to see “what if?” But now she had an excuse. She really did need help.
She felt embarrassed she wasn’t a disabled person. But in a sense she was really glad it was herself and not an old lady trapped inside. She was feeling claustrophobic, although she knew from the sound of activity outside that someone had come to her rescue.
“We’re just getting the manager. Are you alright in there?” asked a familiar voice. Mrs Bennet used the café so much as a refuge and writing place with her trusted friend Mr Latte, that she was known by all staff. There was a struggle with the lock, but nothing was happening.
“I ran in here so I didn’t leave my mum with the twins too long. She can’t lift them. Please tell her I’m stuck in here,” Mrs Bennet shouted.
“It’s OK, she says you can stay in there as long as you like! She knows you need a break!”
Jannie had a point. It was a break of sorts. It just wasn't a venue she would have chosen. “Please don’t let the fire brigade get involved. I really don’t want my five minutes of fame in this scenario!” she silently prayed. Although who could complain having a Darcy in uniform running to their aid?
What seemed like hours later, the manager finally unscrewed the lock and let her out. Embarrassed, Mrs Bennet walked free. So many times she had used this tiny cubicle to change a nappy. Today she had only used it to avoid being longer than necessary for her mum’s sake. Spending a penny had proved a lot dearer than she anticipated.

Words hurt sometimes

Friday, June 5 ‘09

“Could you move?” An officious headmistress-like voice boomed above the moans Spag and Bol were making from their chariot. The tone wasn’t polite, it was an order. It implied,” you are invading my space,” “you have no right to be here,” and “take those vile children away from me.”
Mrs Bennet felt like a two-year-old herself, being told off for smearing yoghurt in her hair or flicking peas at her sister. Only her sister was some 30 miles away in Bristol filming and she couldn’t flick her peas that far.
Mrs Bennet was in the local public library looking for a suitable DVD for a girly night in. Mr Bennet was flying off to Iran that afternoon until late Tuesday evening so she had invited a friend round for company. In ten minutes time Miss Kezia Bennet had an appointment with the doctors, a mere 100 yards away. But knowing they always ran late, Mrs Bennet didn’t want to get there any earlier than she needed to. With two little girls to entertain, for what could be 40 minutes in a confined space with sick people, she needed somewhere to go to kill a bit of time. Instead she was killed by words. Spag and Bol started moaning in the children’s section of the library. Note, the children’s section. The lady who came from the ilk of children shouldn’t be seen or heard, was sitting at the far end at a computer with head phones on.
Mrs Bennet had visited this library since she had been in nappies herself, some four decades ago, and had never been spoken to like this. How powerful words were. In the wrong hands they could so easily wound and pull down. Mrs Bennet felt ashamed sometimes to be part of the media. She’d been in the “press” brigade for 22 years, yet what she endeavoured to do was use words to inspire and encourage. It felt like swimming against a tide. She had been told when leaving school, “we don’t think you’re tough enough to be a journalist.” But she had no intention of being tough. You could write truthful stories without upsetting people. Not everyone thought that way. With the spoken word though, it wasn’t so much what was said, it was the way it was said. And here in the library, the three words fired at Mrs Bennet, hurt. Granted, not as much as her head which was still battling infection and feeling the side effects of antibiotics. But surprisingly it brought tears to Mrs Bennet’s eyes. And she did not cry in public. She walked away before her anger rose any higher and produced words she didn’t normally utter. But Mrs Bennet’s anger didn’t last. She was more in shock. It was the “could-you-move” lady who was angry. Angry at little children for being children and conveniently forgetting she had been one once. Apparently it hadn’t been the first time she’d told a mother off or ordered her away from the space she was working in. But in her experience, Mrs Bennet knew there was always a story behind a story. She wasn’t about to use words to cause any greater wounds. Instead she just wondered what the lady’s story was. Three words may not offer much insight into a soul, but they conveyed a deep-felt annoyance towards little people. Mrs Bennet looked affectionately at Spag and Bol, who were unaware they were victims of such wrath. Annoying as they were sometimes, these fearfully-and-wonderfully-made twins – different as day and night – were an endless source of amazement and wonder. Mrs Bennet learnt more about herself through them than any self-help book could offer. She vowed never to become an irritable old woman. She would grow old disgracefully, but she wouldn’t learn to spit or speak rude words to anyone. She’d eat the red hat covering her purple hair if she ever did.

Bite-size Pemberley is complete

Friday, May 29 ‘09

Mrs Bennet took off her sky blue Crocs and let the new carpet caress her feet. The carpet fitters were still on their knees but for once she was off hers. She seemed only to have prayed one recurring prayer over the past few months - for grace and humour to get her through to this point. It had worked and today marked the start of a new era. The old and the new parts of the Bennet home were finally joined together with a rolling field of beige – opening it up into the spacious place they so needed. The building project had taken as long as Miss Megan and Miss Emily Bennet’s pregnancies and 10 days short of Spag and Bol’s. Mrs Bennet had felt the growing pains, the heartburn, the cravings, and the discomfort of the house gestation and labour. Like in her four pregnancies, she had born the brunt of it, although Mr Bennet had been there at the birth and beyond. Before bite-size Pemberley even began, Mrs Bennet had told him very firmly that if he wanted a wife at the end of it, then they would have to move out while the Darcys in the Dirt moved in. They didn’t move out and after eight months of dust and disruption, Mrs Bennet was still Mr Bennet’s wife.
Leaving Mr Bennet to put up cots and pay the carpet men, she escaped to celebrate in her own quiet way. It couldn’t be a bottle of chilled rose thanks to a dose of antibiotics to get rid of a nasty infection which set in after that problem tooth had been removed. Incidentally Mrs Bennet had now forgiven the tooth fairy, who apparently had relented and left a pound coin underneath her pillow. It wasn’t quite enough to pay for a stool so Mrs Bennet could reach the chutney and chocolate, but it did help pay for her celebratory drink.
Steaming hot Mr Latte after all had become quite a friend during this whole process of change. He didn’t give her any answers, he didn’t judge and he didn’t give her direction. But he did give her time out from Miss Bennet demands and made her sit down, take stock and more importantly escape when there was just no room to run too.
As the big 4-0 was now approaching, Mrs Bennet had wondered if she had experienced some kind of “I-don’t-want-to-be-forty” moment, or whether it was just the pressure of having five children, a major building extension and grappling with her own anger at her dear mother’s cancer issue. As much as she enjoyed having the Darcys in the Dirt around, she was looking forward to enjoying the spaciousness and places to hide when it all got too much. For a while bite-size Pemberley would look a bit odd, as they didn’t have enough money to buy the furniture needed to fill it. But a few cushions would do for now. Her shed was to be called The Space. It would be hers to go whenever she wanted. There was the problem of finding a desk, but as she’d earmarked an old piece of lounge carpet, which the carpet fitters had kindly laid for her, and the battered futon, all she needed was her laptop, some classical music, her laptop, sketchbook and Mr Latte and she would be in her own world for a few minutes – a world where she could just be and dream again. Having five children was such a privilege, but if she was honest at times, it could be a little too much. Her octopus had never arrived, so she did her best to provide a loving arm to which ever Miss Bennet needed it at the time. It did mean that Miss Kezia or Bol was forever hanging in monkey-fashion around her shin while she did so, but although she didn’t like it even Bol knew Mrs Bennet’s love had to go around.
During the whole Pemberley episode, Mrs Bennet had learnt a valuable lesson. That it was vital, while she was attending to the needs of her growing brood, she had to attend to her own needs too. In recent weeks having written about the plethora of artists and creative people living in her area, she had succumbed to her own long-forgotten painting cravings, and gone out and bought some canvases and paints. Now the Darcys in the Dirt were gone and the drilling had stopped, Mrs Bennet could concentrate on being a mother, a friend, a lover and the creative being she knew she was. Life in bite-sized Pemberley would no doubt have its moments of excitement and frustrations, but it would be a house of laughter and life, providing volumes and volumes of memories for her to capture with her pen. So long as she kept off the spicy olives, she could concentrate on bringing up her Bennet production line and not add to it any further.

Forget fainting Mrs Bennet gets knocked out instead

Thursday, May 21 ‘09

Mrs Bennet did not faint again in the dentist’s chair as she feared she might. Instead she faced her fear and went anyway, after eating a good breakfast and stuffing a banana in her mouth 15 minutes before her appointment. Having consulted a laughter book she had by her bed, she had found a quote from the Bible which said “you will run and not faint.” Well that morning she ran four miles, and she didn’t faint whilst having a tooth out either – despite the fact she had it removed, while serenaded to Abba’s “SOS!” The tooth’s life had ended, but so too had the abscess. With all the pressure off the nerve ending, the dentist informed her she should start feeling better as her body wouldn’t have to fight off any more poison. That was reassuring anyway.
But this morning she was annoyed. The tooth fairy, obviously not very impressed with Mrs Bennet, who had left a note for her instead of the tooth in question, didn’t leave her anything. Not wishing to look at her poorly tooth, Mrs Bennet had left it with the dentist. Therefore there hadn't been a proper offering to give the fairy. So she didn't leave a proper offering for Mrs Bennet. It meant Mrs Bennet couldn’t buy the stool she needed for the kitchen, so instead she took the children’s plastic step, once part of a potty in a previous life, from the bathroom.
Twenty-four hours after the extraction event, Mrs Bennet still couldn’t feel her tongue and her right cheek was starting to throb. She didn’t feel the best, but mothers always soldier on, don’t they?
And so she arrived at school later that day to pick up the older three Bennets who had stayed late for various cooking and library clubs. As usual the three of them walked up to the school gate, with a member of staff to where Mrs Bennet was waiting on non-yellow lines to greet them. As the Scooby Doo van only had one door, which needed a certain strength to slide open, Mrs Bennet got out to walk round and let them in. Two of them climbed in. But then hearing a gasp of horror from one of them, Mrs Bennet turned and realised the car was moving forward. Being an automatic car, instead of being in park mode, Mrs Bennet had left it in drive mode, and it obeyed. It was going very slowly forward so Mrs Bennet ran round to see if she could get to the handbrake in time. Unfortunately in trying to open the door, she somehow managed to hit her head on the door and fell backwards into the road, while the car crashed into a Cotswold stone wall and came to a halt. Two of the children inside were upset, the poor child outside watching was upset, while the twins were chatting away, oblivious to what was going on. Mrs Bennet went white as a mum and teacher ran to her aid. Her head hurt and all she could think about was the children. She was just so thankful the car had been on a flat road and not on a hill. It could have been a lot lot worse.
Half an hour later she went into shock, shook for quite a while and ran Mr Bennet and told him to keep talking to her until she felt better. With five children on board, she was not going to put them at risk and drive until she was ready. Thankfully she had been wise enough to call a close friend for help, who came and kept her company. Relieved their mum was going to be OK, the Miss Bennets forgave her for not driving them to their friends’ house, where they were due to go for tea. Amazingly there were no paddies or displays of disappointment. Instead shocked by the runaway car and their mum’s attempt at head butting the door, they, like Mrs Bennet were just glad to get home. Mrs Bennet wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. She took a dose of pain killers and went to bed, hoping tomorrow would be better. Perhaps the tooth fairy might think again and make a return visit to her pillow.

With gritted teeth…..

Tuesday, May 19 ‘09

Mrs Bennet was feeling nervous. Tomorrow she was going back to have that dreaded tooth removed. She hadn’t felt right since her passing out saga. The thought of returning didn’t exactly fill her with much joy. It may well be a break from children but she could think of nicer places to go. Would she faint again? Could she go through with the procedure? Could she manage to stop thinking about what the dentist was doing? Would she be able to block out the horrible noise factor and think positive thoughts? The trouble was she had seen the torturous instrument responsible for extraction and it looked too similar to the contraption the builders had just used to pull up some tiles from the Bennets old kitchen floor. It was not a kind looking instrument. It looked like it could inflict pain and Mrs Bennet knew its relation would be back in her mouth tomorrow lunchtime.
She tried to take her mind off the matter. But every time she tried to eat something, it only reminded her that all was not well in her mouth. However the Darcys in the Dirt were getting on well now. With just three days left before every tool – including the macabre-looking instrument – walked out with their owners, bite-size Pemberley was a centre of noise and activity. The old kitchen was now part bathroom, part walk-in cupboard; the new kitchen was almost complete as Chief Mr Darcy grouted the tiles and secured wooden doors. And finally six months after the shed men had built her office, the electricity had been connected. The problem was, as the Bennets hadn’t been able to borrow all the money they had wanted, there were now no spare pounds to buy Mrs Bennet a desk or the additional luxury of her Mr Latte machine which she had so dreamed about. She would just have to wait a little bit longer.
The sound of drills echoed in her head as she tried to edit a radio piece on breastfeeding. It was a sound she did not want to hear in light of tomorrow.
Instead she tried to concentrate on the voice in her headphones. She was facilitating a radio project, whereby a group of ladies were being trained – by her – to interview lots of different people about the myths, difficulties, funny stories and attitudes concerning breastfeeding. The myth she was editing related to size. The question was: did it matter how large you were when it came to breast feeding your baby? The answer the midwife gave was so funny it made her roar with laughter.
“Whether you have two gnats on the end of an ironing board or you have a trombone to deal with, every mother will have more than enough milk to feed one baby, or two or three!”
Mrs Bennet had proved the fact that gnats did very well when it came to feeding two hungry twins. She looked back at the milk bar days with fondness. Seeing Spag and Bol running round with oodles of energy, giggling and bumping into each other with their new pushchairs, it was hard to imagine them ever being the tiny vulnerable bundles they once were.
“I would so love to make time stop sometimes. They just grow up so quickly, like sand slipping through your fingers,” she thought.
But then there were moments like those in the dentist chair that seemed to last forever and didn’t go quick enough. Purees were a thing of the past for the little Miss Bennets, but not so for Mrs Bennet. She would be on the organic baby food tomorrow. Baby rice pudding had always been her favourite.

Passing out in style

Thursday, May 14 09

Mrs Bennet needn’t have worried about having an emotional torrent in the dentist's chair. She did much worse. Seven weeks ago, as she sat in the reclining position, to her horror she cried. Jannie had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Having held the tears back like a dam, to protect the children, unfortunately the only time there wasn’t a small person around, was in the dentist’s chair. And as the dentist pressed the button to tilt her backwards, he must have unlocked the floodgate. And the floods came, preventing him from removing the poorly tooth which had caused Mrs Bennet grief for almost 10 months, due to a festering abscess. Seven weeks later, Mrs Bennet was back, feeling calm and ready for pain. She’d given birth to five children without pain relief, so she could surely manage a tooth extraction.
Two injections later, all was well - until Mrs Bennet could see the instruments and started imagining what the dentist was doing. It was like watching a gardener attacking the roots of stubborn vegetables; only it was her roots he was dealing with. Her jaw felt like it was being yanked from its socket. She suddenly felt hot, her ears seemed to block out sound and the voices in the room were scarily quiet. She managed an “I don’t feel right,” and the next thing she knew her pulse was being taken, the seat lowered and the operation stopped. Mrs Bennet was horrified. How embarrassing. The procedure would have to continue next week. In the meantime her tooth was now slightly dislodged and as she drove home, a glucose tablet and glass of water later, bits of it started falling off. This was not going to be a fun week. A week of throbbing gums and anxious waiting for yet another visit to the dentist's chair. It was also going to be a week of Darcys in the Dirt ripping up tiles, plastering, plumbing, drilling and banging for all they were worth in order to finish their deadline, which was next Friday. Mr Bennet had ordered the carpet fitters to come the week after, so the Darcys had to finish all the major building work. Mr No Personality surveyor was due to visit the bite-size Pemberley in the coming weeks and unless he was satisfied, the money needed to pay for the work, would stay sitting in the building society. It had felt like Changing Rooms in the past few days and Mrs Bennet half expected Carole Smilie to pop into the kitchen for a much-needed cuppa. Mrs Bennet needed vodka or something similar right now. But thought better of it. Alcohol mixed with anaesthetic might not be such a good idea.
Instead she dosed herself up with paracetamol and spent the next three hours writing. It was the only thing which took her mind off into a different world. It provided a window into a space that was her own. Mrs Bennet was surrounded by chaos, but once she started tapping at the computer keys, she could block out dust, muddle and mess and write something which had a beginning, middle and an end. She knew bite-size Pemberley was almost there, but like her half extracted tooth, it wasn’t there yet. And she suspected it would get worse before it got better. Once done though, the space and the relief of coming through nine months of mayhem would be great. Would it be worth it? Yes. Would she go through it again? Definitely not.

Spag and Bol are two

Wednesday, May 13 ‘09

Mrs Bennet couldn’t quite believe Spag and Bol were now two years old. It didn’t seem that long ago, she had cradled them in her arms, clumsily trying to put two tiny heads into position and tandem feed. Now they were two little people, individuals in their own beautiful right, brightening up her life and those around them. Without them – and their three adoring siblings – she wouldn’t be the woman she was today. Modern Mrs Bennet certainly wouldn’t exist. Yes, they tested her patience and pushed her to limits, but they also rubbed edges off her and forced her to see the world with a new perspective. No, she hadn’t anticipated changing nappies for a whole decade, nor had she envisaged a further nine-month growth project, which had left more stretch marks than a twin pregnancy. But building bite-size Pemberley had been a necessary part of adapting to the increase in female Bennets.
Miss Rosie and Miss Kezia still didn’t say a lot. But there was one word, they both cried excitedly everyday and that was DORA. For some reason, they had latched on to the popular Spanish cartoon character, Dora the Explorer and Mrs Bennet knew it wouldn’t be long before certain Spanish words, like Lo hicimos! (we did it!) and vámonos (let’s go!) popped out of their mouths. Mixed with their own Spagbolese language, it would make interesting listening.
The birthday girls were currently outside in the back garden. Despite its bald patches which like Mr Bennet needed fresh turf in places, it was now a safe area to play in. The garage door, builder’s tools and discarded piping had been removed. Instead various bikes, slides and a toy car provided ample entertainment as did footballs and snails. Miss Rosie was in the driving seat of the only car. Looking on, Miss Kezia obviously wanted a go, and Mrs Bennet knew there was every chance crying would soon break out. Surprisingly though turning two, had made way for a quality she had noticed was growing between the twins: sharing. Without protest, Spag (alias Rosie) got out of the car and opened the door for Bol (alias Kezia) to get in. Mrs Bennet then watched as Spag shut Bol in and walked across the garden, picked up a long stick and proceeded to open up the pretend petrol cap and place the stick in the hole. Once the tank was full, Spa put the cap back on and off Bol went. Well all five inches, as she got stuck on a stone and yelled for her mother.
But it was fascinating viewing. She knew babies were imitators, but watching two little people acting out real life in their own unique way was mesmerizing. Two years ago, they were helpless babes, with the sole aim of demanding attention and feeding at the milk bar. Now they happily entertained themselves, content in each other’s company and greedily lapping up every learning opportunity available. Usually it involved opening cupboards or tattooing themselves in felt tip pen when no one was looking. Yet these two delightful Miss Bennets enveloped Mrs Bennet in their world, forcing her to stop and see the world through their eyes; eyes which couldn’t read the newspapers or watch the news. And really when she took time to appreciate life from their perspective, it really wasn’t bad at all.

Cheese and Marmalade Sandwiches

Monday, May 11 ‘09

“Urghhhhhh,” cried Mrs Bennet, biting into her cheese and chutney sandwich. It was not chutney. It was marmalade, which she didn’t like at the best of times, let alone mixed with cheese. It was like drinking what she thought was coffee and discovering it was tea. At least she liked tea. The error was a consequence of not knowing where anything was in her kitchen. Or more accurately not being able to reach the top shelf in her fridge, which now stood several inches higher than it had done in the old kitchen. Over the past few days, cupboards and appliances had been ripped from one set of walls (now resembling an abstract painting mixed with ceramics), to a new set, pristine clean and canvas blank. Drills and banging had caused the little Miss Bennets to squeal in fright. While Miss Kezia climbed as high as she could up her mother’s legs, Miss Rosie threw herself to the floor as if ducking a bomb. It may be the last chapter in the bite-size Pemberley building project but it was proving the messiest and seemed to have an impact on every ounce of living space. Mrs Bennet felt the last eight months had been like a moving expedition. At least if you moved house it only took a day. This had seemed such a long exhausting process. Yet, she knew it was almost at an end. Once the Darcys in the Dirt had picked up their tools and rubble – currently in what was the garage, but soon to be the children’s playroom – then, and only then could the house start reverting back to being a home. Something it hadn’t been for three years, ever since they first went on the market and the bright coloured walls had been “magnolified,” meaning as a result family photos had been put away. Two children later, they still hadn’t returned due to major disruption, dust and general mayhem.
But time was against the builders. They had just eleven days to finish everything before the carpets were laid ready for Mr No Personality surveyor to return to check bite-size Pemberley was finished. If it wasn't, the building society would not release the money needed to pay for it. At present, alongside discarded books, dolls, plastic animals, hair bands, drawings, scribbles, topless felt tip pens and more worryingly Barbie dolls, there were chainsaws, nails, brackets, screws, hammers, and old kitchen parts in the rooms which weren’t yet finished. Outside it was Skip City. The Bennet’s skip was overflowing, as was the one sitting on next-door’s drive, currently full of rubble ready for a conservatory which had once adjoined the Bennet house. It had once acted as a creative hot house for three eager little artists and occasionally a dining room, when the table was clear enough to see what was being eaten.
Where the conservatory used to be, now stood the new dining room, an official part of the bite-size Pemberley, meaning the temperature was just right for the wife in both summer and winter. Mr Bennet was currently sitting at the table, poured over his laptop, working late yet again. Mrs Bennet wasn’t talking to him right now. He couldn’t engage in conversation anyway and had just told her he would either be flying to Dubai or Iran in the coming week. She really hoped it wouldn’t be the latter. Not only was it worryingly dangerous, but by the time he got his necessary visa, it would mean the trip would clash nicely with half-term and his wife’s mood.
She had noticed since Jannie’s good news, that she had returned to her faithful Mr Latte. She could enjoy his company again. It gave her an excuse to get away from her house, which didn't feel her own right now and as she hadn’t been able to cry in front of the Darcy’s in the Dirt throughout the Jannie worry, she knew it would come pouring out at some point. She just hoped it wouldn’t be in the dentist chair again. She was due to have a tooth out, due to an abscess on Thursday, and being a whimp in the presence of dentists, had every reason to cry. But perhaps the Tooth Fairy might leave her some money – enough to buy a stool so she could at least reach the top shelves and be able to check the jar labels. Oh, and to make sure Mr Bennet hadn’t stored any secret supply of chocolate which he knew would be out of her reach. Of course Mrs Bennet blamed him for the marmalade. He was after all the only one who liked it.
Perhaps she could make him a round of cheese and marmalade sandwiches for work tomorrow and see if he noticed!

Ghosts of kitchens past

Thursday, April 30 09

Ghosts of kitchens past echoed around the walls. It made an interesting sight and one which, in places, required a pair of shades. Whatever had possessed her to paint a kitchen sunshine yellow and sky blue? In her defence, it was a decade ago. An era of rag rolling, sponging and vivid colours which clashed, yet no one had been brave enough to admit their effects were painful to the eye. Or perhaps they hadn’t wanted to offend those who considered them beautiful. At the time, being a creative sort, Mrs Bennet had given her all. Every part of the house had been touched by turquoises, terracotta reds, yellow, vivid blues and sea greens. The gaudy yellow – which had been hidden these past three years by grown-up, sophisticated beige kitchen units – was now once again exposed. Mrs Bennet remembered painting it to hide the mustard offering the owners before her had left behind.
It was 10 years ago. At 29, she hadn’t known what pregnancy meant, hadn’t known her stomach would, over the coming decade, stretch like a contortionist and provide the nurturing home for five offspring. Now at 39, waiting to enter another era, she didn’t like to think what was before her. She was older, greyer, and wrinklier but she had learnt the valuable lesson of living one day at a time. Yet the last seven weeks of watching, waiting and feeling her mother’s pain, had taken its toll. If the biopsy results weren’t good, she wasn’t sure how she could face tomorrow let alone the next 10 years. The unsightly yellow was just that, unsightly, far too bright for her current situation.
The Darcys in the Dirt were dismantling units and moving them to the back of the house. Ironically that morning, the kitchen had looked immaculate and the tidiest it had been since Mr and Mrs Bennet had lived there.
Now it was battered and bruised. Drawers lay on work surfaces, no longer attached to brackets; holes and rubble appeared where they hadn’t been seen before; and unsightly yet impressively large cobwebs were now on show for all to see. A tumble dryer sat in the middle of the lounge, and boxes full of cereals, food, saucepans, oven cleaner, bleach and tea towels were scattered wherever there was an empty floor space. It wasn’t a pretty sight, but it was an exciting place to explore for the little Miss Bennets. They had already attacked one box and enjoyed drumming a few saucepans with wooden spoons.
Mrs Bennet did enjoy having the Darcys in the Dirt around. Spag and Bol willingly accepted them as extra faces to study and grin at. But having her house pulled about whilst her emotions were also experiencing a battering was a further strain on Mrs Bennet’s nerves, if she was honest.
It was biopsy day. And her nerves were in tatters. She had sat in the hospital waiting room for two hours, but had been forced to leave her mum, dad and sister in order to pick up the little Miss Twin Bennets, who were being looked after by a friend. Walking away not knowing, had been awful. Walking into a house, which was feeling the effects of upheaval, echoed her anguish. The phone was relentlessly ringing. She knew it would be Jannie’s friends and her own wanting to know the results. She had no wish to talk to them.
On the fifth call, she felt the need to pick up the receiver.
“It’s me. I just had to ring you myself. It’s the best news I could have had today. It hasn’t spread and they're convinced they’ve caught it all,” the voice of Jannie sang in her ear.
Mrs Bennet didn’t hear anymore. She dissolved into tears. The worry, the weight of what might have been, the waiting, the hoping, erupted into an emotional torrent. Her precious mum, the grandmother of her children, was going to be alright. The bright yellow exposed in her kitchen was now bearable. Mrs Bennet could now even consider it as a sunshine yellow. Her bubble, last seen floating over Bristol had returned. Jannie’s hope was back, and so was hers.

More than one punch up

Monday, April 27 ‘09

It was three o’clock in the morning and to say Mrs Bennet was feeling angry was an understatement. She hadn’t gone to bed as early as she had liked because she had had a writing deadline to meet. It was past one o’clock when she finally crawled into bed. Mr Bennet had made his appointment to see Mr Sleep hours before and no crying child would wake him. As Mrs Bennet had missed her appointment, the crying child woke her instead – just as she had eventually drifted off, even though her mind was troubled. The annoying alarm bell wasn’t going to be switched off and it was quickly joined by its neighbouring bell. Mrs Bennet’s head was spinning. She was fuming over everything. Time of the month hormones only served to fuel the rage within. Why was life so cruel at times? Why did it come and bulldoze emotions? Seeing the hurt and pain in her dad’s eyes, and the fear and worry in her mum’s, only echoed her own. She’d taken it out on Mr Bennet that night and accused him of being useless at emotional stuff. Not being one to have angry outbursts, she had surprised herself but the words had slipped out before she could stop them and the man from Mars withdrew to his cave, wounded.
Shortly afterward Miss Bennet Number Three bolted in with a problem he could fix.
“Daddy can you punch up my tyres please? They’re flat and need punching up!” she declared, with hands on hips.
Glad to be able to assist Mr Bennet did the punching required. Mrs Bennet having punched him with words, did apologise later for her unkind words. The truth was she couldn’t cope with emotional pain either. It was far more draining and difficult to handle than anything physical. There were no easy answers and the waiting game was horrid.
It was these raw emotions which surfaced again as Spag and Bol’s demanding cries robbed Mrs Bennet’s appointment with Mr Sleep. Grabbing her pillow she resumed her sandwich position between cots. It worked for one child, but it wasn’t enough for the other, who wanted a drink.
Cold and fed up, Mrs Bennet went on the hunt for a beaker. As the Darcys in the Dirt were taking her kitchen apart in the morning, the cupboards were now empty. Their contents were on the floor in boxes. But at 3am Mrs Bennet couldn’t remember which box contained the cups and drink bottles. She stubbed her toe on a ceramic dish that hadn’t yet found a temporary home and wanted to cry – cry at the mess before her. The upheaval of building bite-size Pemberley epitomized the disruption and disturbance the word cancer achieved with emotions. At this very moment in time she wanted to howl as Rosie was doing so well upstairs. She knew her mum would be up, unable to sleep too. It wasn’t fair. Jannie didn’t deserve this. Her dad didn’t deserve this.
She stood motionless in the midst of the kitchen chaos. The nearly two-year-old's crying suddenly stopped. Fed up with waiting for her mother to return, Miss Bennet Number Four had given up and had fallen asleep. Peace was in the camp. And now her raging had quietened down, Mrs Bennet was also starting to whimper instead of whale. In the coming weeks, the storms would come and go. But despite them, she knew it was vital to hold on to the arms of Peace – and warn Mr Bennet he might be needed as a punch-bag now and then.

Jannie’s Jamaican Courage

Monday, April 20 09

Jamaica the rag doll was sitting on Mrs Bennet’s lap, being held rather too tightly. Miss Bennet Number Two was perched on a doctor’s couch, grimacing as the doctor sapped her verruca with liquid nitrogen. As Miss Bennet winced, Mrs Bennet squeezed the doll, complete with its hospital tagged-wrist, which bore the date of her last hospital visit three years ago. Miss Emily had needed an operation and the doll had gone in with her for comfort. Mrs Bennet recalled the awful moment when she had to walk away from her anaesthetised daughter – leaving her on the operating table. It was why she was clutching the doll now. Not because her daughter was pained by the freezing treatment, but because at this very moment her own mum was being put to sleep ready for an operation for breast cancer. Jamaica – bought on holiday in the Caribbean – lived at Jannie’s house. She came out when she was needed to escort an anxious child to hospital or the doctor’s surgery to provide courage and comfort. It was Jannie who needed her the most today, and it was Jannie Mrs Bennet was thinking and praying about at each squirt of the liquid nitrogen.
But Jamaica was soothing Mrs Bennet the most at this moment. Looking at the perfect tropical blue sky outdoors, Mrs Bennet could quite easily imagine being in the “land of wood and water,” where waterfalls, springs, rivers and streams flowed to fertile plains from its forest-clad mountains. The thought of biting into a luscious tropical fruit with a weird and wonderful name or sniffing the tempting aroma of a world-famous Blue Mountain coffee was almost tangible. The latter would probably taste better than Mr Latte. Mrs Bennet had gone off him. He no longer hit the spot. There were issues here too emotional for him to soothe. He could make her feel better about living on a building site, but he couldn’t take away the scary and almost surreal journey her precious mum was now facing. If only a dose of hot frothy milk and a shot of caffeine could make it better. But it couldn’t. It was a long waiting game where there was no control. However Mrs Bennet knew if anyone could walk this new uncertain path with dignity, humour and strength, her mum could.
“Mummy, can I have Jamaica back now please?” asked the small patient leaping off the couch, quickly forgetting her painful toe and bouncing as she normally did in Tigger-like-fashion. This polite request relieved Mrs Bennet's knuckles of their clenching and snapped her back into mother mode.
Back at the almost finished bite-size Pemberley, the rest of the little Bennets were being looked after by friends. The Darcys in the Dirt had incidentally returned that morning, marking the start of the last chapter. They had originally planned to rip the kitchen out that morning, but due to the more pressing operation, had looked kindly on Mrs Bennet and gave her an extra week to pack the cupboard contents into boxes. Instead they were at the bottom of the garden insulating her office.
Now Jamaica’s job had been done, Mrs Bennet did contemplate taking her into hospital to sit at the bottom of her mum’s bed, but thought better of it. Instead she took a handful of home-made cards, the older Miss Bennets had insisted on making, to cheer the patient on. Looking as pale as her blond-streaked hair, Jannie managed a smile. Drained of colour, she was still the beautiful woman they all loved. Her inner strength and positive nature was shining through. And Mrs Bennet knew Jannie was everything Jamaica, the rag doll stood for – heart and courage.

Wiped out by wet wipes

Thursday, April 16 09

While Mr Bennet was flying at 30,000 feet to Dubai and Miss Emily Bennet was flying on rides round Legoland with a friend, Miss Rosie Bennet was supposed to be having her lunchtime nap. After the usual chit chat and giggles between Spag and Bol, silence had fallen in the little Twin Bennet’s room. Mrs Bennet understandably thought they were both asleep. She was busy making their favourite namesake dish, Spaghetti Bolognese along with a large batch of Shepherd’s Pie, to be frozen ready for hospital visits and operation recovery.
Miss Rosie Bennet didn’t drop off as easily as her sister and being in a playful mood, managed to haul the pack of wet wipes her mother had just opened, through her cot bars. Feeling in the need of a wash, she had proceeded to yank out virtually every wet wipe the packet contained, before falling asleep.
Mrs Bennet found her in a pool of wet wipe juice. Spag’s clothes and bedding were soaking wet and she was surrounded by a cushion of drying out wipes.
“Oh Rosie, what am I going to do with you!” exclaimed Mrs Bennet, scooping up her wet wipe babe with one arm and gathering an armful of soggy white squares with the other.
Amused by the scene, Miss Kezia Bennet pointed her index finger at her sister and giggled infectiously like an animated rocking Bag of Laughter.
Mrs Bennet had no choice but to strip Spag naked. But even with clean clothes, she carried the distinct aroma of a wet wipe. At least she hadn’t got a fetish for eating them. One of her friend’s sons had swallowed a whole one when he was a few months old. She only knew this because she found it rolled up in his nappy deposit the next day!
Although the unpredictable brought the scary, it brought the ridiculous as well. And it was the latter which made the harder issues in life more tolerable. It was the mundane, every day things which kept a mother going. And as wiped out as she was, Mrs Bennet couldn’t help but smile at the comedian in her children. At times she dared to live out the “what if?” she saw in the Miss Bennets. Miss Rosie Bennet now knew what happened when she pulled out 70 wet wipes – she got wet. Mrs Bennet pondered. What if she lived as if there was nothing to worry about? It would make life far more enjoyable. And actually some of the biggies, the sharks which threatened to bite you on the bottom, were often not as bad as the fear of them. Fear had a lot to say for itself. It had a bad report and it was about time the faith part of Mrs Bennet had a greater say. Wiped out she may be in terms of sleep deprivation. Knocked out never.

The Easter Bennet

Sunday, April 12 09

The Easter Bunny sat with an upside-down-chick-basket on his head, reading his newspaper in Mrs Bennet’s empty shed. Chocolate eggs were hidden in the garden and the Easter Bennets were standing patiently behind the lounge door, waiting to be allowed in to start their hunt. It was the simple things in life which often brought the most joy. Children didn’t care about mess, they cared about having fun and sometimes it was the mess which added to the excitement. So the Easter Bunny’s egg collection was hidden in the building site of a garden amongst an abandoned garage door, rubble, various broken bits of pipe, overgrown grass, mud and bricks – oh, and empty coca cola bottles left behind by the Darcys in the Dirt.
Mrs Bennet’s dad, the Easter Bunny sat quite happily in his nesting shed reading the sports pages, but it wasn’t long before the squeals of delight reached him and he was discovered.
Mrs Bennet thought it wise for Miss Bennets Numbers One, Two and Three to complete their hunt before the little Twin Bennets appeared on the scene and gobbled up the treasure. The aim was to gather the eggs up and put them in a corporate basket to be shared out equally later. Mrs Bennet knew Spag and Bol would not give up their chocolate without a fight and instead either crush it into their sticky palms or stuff it into their hungry mouths. They had good taste and could sniff chocolate through two closed doors.
They woke up from their lunch-time nap just as their older siblings embarked on the outside part of the hunt. Like little puppies however they managed to uncover the hidden delights their sisters had missed, and polished up their motor skills by pulling off any golden wrapper to get their prize. Spag managed to get chocolate everywhere, hands, mouth, hair and bottom. Bol had a tiny smear on her lips, but apart from that was immaculately clean.
It was these classic priceless moments of watching her children laughing, her father looking so ridiculous in his silly makeshift hat and observing how proud and happy Mr Bennet and Jannie were at just being there, which made life worthwhile. Easter for the Bennet family hadn’t been easy. The Good Friday atmosphere threatened to drag them all down. When something life-threatening lingered on the horizon it made it hard to remember hope, yet hope was what Easter was all about and the promise of new life.
There was a black cloud over the Bennets. The big C had attacked one of its precious members. Yet her courage, her determination and her love for life was pushing her on in a defeat-less attitude. Emotionally the road was rocky and draining and Mrs Bennet knew the weeks and months ahead were going to be tough for them all. But seeing the laughter, the chocolate feast, the simplicity of an egg hunt and the joy on her children’s faces, helped restore that Easter Sunday hope. Bite-size Pemberley, as incomplete as it was, was now insignificant. It no longer mattered. What mattered was the moment.

"I hate ball pools!" declares Mrs Bennet

Wednesday, April 8 09

There were few things Mrs Bennet disliked but those on her list were loathed with a passion. And ball pools were at the top, followed closely by emptying tea bags from a tea pot.
It was the Easter Holidays. Mr Bennet was meeting someone somewhere in Milan. Mrs Bennet was meeting a fellow mum at her favourite place – the local ball pool. A place she normally avoided like the plague particularly during school holidays. But as it was a birthday party for her friend’s two-year-old, a favourite playmate to Spag and Bol, Mrs Bennet had said yes she would come along. She also knew very well that Miss Bennet Numbers One, Two and Three would be delighted at the prospect of running wild and sliding down death slides. Having spent the night on a cold carpet-less floor sandwiched between the twin’s cots, Mrs Bennet was feeling rather tired, grumpy and lacking in patience. She would quite happily have curled up in a ball in her garden shed. But as that still didn’t have any electrics and therefore no heat, Mrs Bennet didn’t think she had any option but to endure a few hours of high pitched squeals and screams.
Between them Mrs Bennet and her friend had nine children – eight girls and one boy - so it proved quite an expensive visit, and that was without the essential coping fuel of Mr Decaf Latte or Mr Cappuccino. The minute she walked through the doors into a cacophony of shouting, crying and piercing shrills; she knew why ball pools were number one on her Mrs Bennet Dislikes List. Miss Bennet Number Five immediately clung to her hip, threw her tiny arms around her neck and whimpered, making it extremely difficult to negotiate Miss Bennet Number Four round café chairs and tables to the toddler play area. Having been a late walker, it was in fact the first time Bol, alias Miss Kezia Bennet, had been properly introduced to a ball pool. A yellow plastic ball hit her on the chin, and like a ten pin, she wobbled over, quickly grasping her mother’s leg as an anchor in the moving sea of coloured balls. Miss Rosie Bennet, slightly more confident, allowed herself to be lowered into the sea, but feeling out of her depth, immediately shouted to be rescued.
Meanwhile, Miss Bennet Number Three, refusing to take off her glasses and proving she was now a big five, literally flew down the death slide – something Mrs Bennet had never plucked up courage to do. Her children took her to places and heights she never dreamt she’d go. But even though they’d taken her to the edge on several occasions, it was up to her whether she actually wanted to throw herself off. May be when she was 40 she’d do it! She had been up in a balloon, parasailed, rock climbed and abseiled in the past so she wasn’t really a wimp. And she’d just promised another female friend, who turned 40 a few hours before she did that she would go to Alton Towers with her, without children. Knowing how adventurous and adrenaline hungry her mate was, she did wonder whether her pelvic floor would recover. Having said that defying the law of gravity might do it good!
The older two Miss Bennets were lost in the medley of ropes and bodies. But they soon appeared, pink-faced and frazzled; one complaining of slide burn, the other complaining about her sister. She decided to help matters by entering the noise hub, and thinking Spag might like a ride on a bumpy slide, proceeded to push and pull the chubby babe up through holes to the top. It helped one complaining daughter laugh. Clutching on to a slightly scared Miss Bennet Number Four, Mrs Bennet proceeded to descend, unaware the slide had been polished extra well this morning. Miss Bennet Number Two watched in awe as her mother literally took off as she went down the first bump, missed the second bump altogether and landed with a thud on the third, thankfully with Spag still in her arms. Shaken but not stirred, Miss Bennet Number Four looked shocked but smiled at the ordeal. Shaken and stirred, Mrs Bennet, somehow managed to get up, rubbed her sore back and vowed not to do that again - well not today anyway.
Within half an hour emotion was rife. Both twins were crying, the middle Miss Bennet whining her siblings didn’t want to play with her and Miss Bennet Number One was still wincing and rubbing her poorly arm. The four children belonging to her friend were however happily running about and thoroughly enjoying themselves without a moan between them. Mrs Bennet longed for her octopus to come and wipe eyes, soothe wounds and lift them all out of the ball pool and transport them to a place of peace, calm and joy.
Two hours later, the invisible octopus arrived. Four children and a mother were relieved. Miss Bennet Number Two was not and blamed everyone else for pulled her out of the ball jungle before she was ready. Mrs Bennet breathed a sigh of relief, strapped the Miss Bennets in their seats, and put her head on the steering wheel. She then sent a text to her husband, who was child-free in Italy.
“I HATE BALL POOLS! Just thought you might like to know!” she tapped into her phone. After eating a waiter-served Italian meal, accompanied by proper adult conversation, when sentences were finished and food was enjoyed hot, Mr Bennet sent his thoughts on the subject.
“Oh come on, all that screaming and noise, you love it really!”
She did not reply. Instead as Miss Bennet Number Three was due to return to Mrs Bennet’s torture chamber on Saturday for a party, she made up her mind that Mr Bennet would be taking their daughter. He could also remove every tea bag for the next decade as his punishment for flying abroad to a different country three weeks running.