Partridge in a pear tree

Tuesday, September 2 08

They say in life we all have a double. According to her daughters, Mrs Bennet met her's in Bourton-on-the-Water, the Venice of the Cotswolds. It was a Roul Roul Partridge, a charming aviary bird with a spectacular spiky reddish crest which apparently in its Asian tropical rainforest habitat, spends the day foraging on the forest floor, following wild pigs and feeding on their left-overs.
"Sounds about right," thought Mrs Bennet, who like most mothers ate her offspring's left-overs if they were appetising enough.
It was the last day of the school holidays and having won tickets to Birdland, Mr Bennet suggested a family day out. In theory Mrs Bennet thought this was a good idea, but the reality was, the last day of the holidays, for a mother, was probably worse than the first and the little Bennets very nearly didn't get to go. Rebellion in the Bennet camp had set in and refusals to have fringes cut was just about the last straw for frazzled Mrs Bennet, who realised too late that essential items - which also had to be labelled - were missing from the PE bags, as were white socks, ironed shirts and jumpers. With three children to kit out, it was practically impossible to keep tabs on who fitted what. What she thought fit, no longer did.
"Perhaps they've shrunk in the wash," she suggested, looking at a pair of trousers.
"Probably best to put the kids in the tumble dryer too. That way they might fit."
The way she was feeling, she could quite happily have done so but she didn't want Miss Kezia Bennet reporting her to the police for cruelty.
Once her nerves were settled, the Bennets finally did venture out in the driving cold rain. Mrs Bennet firmly believed summer and winter had done a foreign exchange visit. Either that or they were having an affair. In between showers, the Bennets hopped from cage to cage admiring the Lilac-breasted Roller, Bartlett's Bleeding Heart Pigeon and the Northern Helmeted Curassow which looked ready for war.
"I need a helmet like that to protect me from five daughters and a husband," thought Mrs Bennet, making a mental note to find one. It was then the Miss Bennets spotted the Roul Roul and announced:
"Mummy, this bird looks like you!"
Whether this was intended as a compliment or not, Mrs Bennet wasn't sure. Her red highlights indeed stuck up like this partridge and its pecking movements were familiar. However, what concerned her most was in reading about this particular bird later that evening, she discovered it was in fact the male. Her double was a bird man!
She did however take comfort in Miss Naomi Bennet's later observation. Listening intently to a live commentary on Emperor Penguins, she noted that the female only lays one egg, which is then rolled to the top of the male's feet where it's incubated. He can't cope with two eggs on his feet at once.
"That penguin can't do what you can do Mummy. It can't have twins!" she announced to the packed and silent audience of penguin viewers, who were incidentally being filmed for a BBC programme.
"That's OK then, I may look like a partridge but I have more skills than an Emperor Penguin. I wish Mr Bennet could have helped incubate my eggs though," she murmured.
Back at the car park, in desperate need of a natural break before the journey home, the Bennets were forced to make a difficult decision. It cost 20 pence to use the plush public conveniences, and all seven Bennets needed to use them. Mr Bennet, with the only 20 pence piece, survived on the "buy one, take three free" basis, leaving Mrs Bennet to change the twins, somewhat precariously on a car seat and cross her legs all the way home.