The zapping power of Mrs Bennet

Thursday, January 15 09

It was a sad day for Mrs Bennet. It marked the end of a very long baby era. Miss Kezia Bennet had finally – five months after her twin sister – started walking. She had mastered, what Mrs Bennet’s friends considered a brilliant impression of Charlie Chaplin minus his mustache. To add to this comical walk, Miss Bennet, rather partial to a certain Dora the Explorer umbrella, used it like Chaplin’s walking stick, waving it as she went, with a Cheshire Cat grin on her face. Mrs Bennet thought she resembled a penguin, her tiny feet fanning outwards as she carefully waddled her way around new territory.
Up until this point Mrs Bennet had therefore been spared the issue of two walking twins. But finally at 20 months, the real fun started. She unfortunately made the mistake of lifting the legs out of the supermarket trolley. Now free to roam along the wide aisles, the chubby legs were in their element. Being independent, they went in opposite directions, making it all the more impossible to catch them or shop.
Eventually Mrs Bennet scooped them up as best she could – and plonked them inside the trolley rather than in the seats as their little legs pedalled furiously.
Observing rebellion in the camp, a warm friendly lady, with funky white, purple and red hair and trendy glasses bounced up to her.
“Have you ever thought of using one of these?” she asked, holding up a zapper.
“Not really. I thought you had to be a store card holder,” she replied.
“Oh no anyone can use one. I think you'll find it really helpful and it means you don’t have to queue at the till,” announced the lady, who like Mrs Bennet, was clearly a fan of Jenny Joseph’s award-winning poem, Warning.
“Sounds good to me…and by the way I love your hair. I’ve decided to grow old disgracefully and have purple streaks too,” chuckled Mrs Bennet.
“Absolutely!” the kind zapper lady replied. Mrs Bennet liked this lady.
The zapping lesson didn’t start until the next morning as Mrs Bennet had abandoned all hope of buying the few items she needed. But now armed with this impressive gizmo, she was looking forward to shooting a few things.
Her trainer showed her how to zap the bar codes, check how much she was spending and more importantly how to remove objects if she found something better.
Zap, zap, zap went Mrs Bennet. Ooh, Ooh, Ooh went the Misses Twin Bennets, intrigued by Mummy’s new toy.
It was quite liberating. Mrs Bennet wished life could be this simple. She thought about her five daughters. If only she could go shopping for Darcys. Just imagine shelves full of future son-in-laws! How great that would be to zap a few, then eradicate them if she saw one who looked more suitable!
The Zapper lady checked her apprentice’s progress.
“I’m off for a tea break and wanted to see if you’re OK,” she said.
“I’m fine. This is great. I only wish I could use it on everything and everyone,” Mrs Bennet joked.
The minute her trainer disappeared, Mrs Bennet got into trouble. She’d zapped a pot of double cream by mistake but in trying to unzap the item, she managed to add one and then another, and then another, until according to her zapper, she had six pots in her trolley. By this time the Miss Twin Bennets were no longer enthralled by their mother’s toy, and started to object. Determined to master her zapper, Mrs Bennet tried zapping with the minus button. It worked.
“Hey this is easy when you know how!” declared a victorious Mrs Bennet, proceeding to the zapping counter, which of course had no queue. Queues and children didn’t get on.
“I can pay with cash can’t I?” she asked a lovely young girl, who shared Mrs Bennet’s sense of humour.
“You can pay with anything, apart from pounds of flesh,” she wittingly replied.
“I don’t really have any to spare anyway,” said Mrs Bennet, exhilarated by her first zapping experience.
To have a sizzling hot Mr Latte and to be introduced to her new friend Mr Zapper in one morning, was almost too much. She went back home to the Darcys in the Dirt – half wishing she could try out the zapper on them!